Catch the Little Foxes
James and Mandi Barham had given their lives to taking the gospel to Central Asia. For years, they poured themselves into church planting overseas. They thought they’d be there forever. But something wasn’t right. To their supporters and co-workers, they were fulfilling God’s call to take the gospel to the ends of the earth. Inside their marriage, a different story was unfolding. “We grew distant, had challenges—miscommunications and misunderstandings. Nothing major happened other than lots of little things piled up,” James says.
The challenges led James and Mandi back to the States to save their marriage. “I started studying marriage and family therapy in New Orleans just because I was back at square one. I didn’t understand marriage.” James graduated from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary in 2011. That same year, the Barhams moved to Jonesboro, where James joined the team at Arkansas Baptist Children’s and Family Ministries (ABCFM) as a Christian counselor.
“I frequently tell folks, ‘Catch the little foxes that spoil the vineyard. Little foxes are cute, and they don’t look like that big a deal unless you have a vineyard or a chicken coop. We’re more vigilant now. We’re really trying to be more intentional. But in those early years of marriage, I didn’t do my homework. I didn’t pay attention to things. My leadership style was I saw a need, and I just announced it to my family and the team, ‘This is what we’re going to do.’ My wife grew weary of that, and I don’t blame her.”
People assume Christian counselors have smooth, problem-free marriages. That wasn’t James’ reality. “We have not had an easy road with our marriage. This ministry with ABCFM comes out of applying the gospel to our own brokenness.”
Only Christ
As a counselor for ABCFM, James would see six or seven clients a day. He met with kids and families, “every diagnosis in the book.” Over time, he began to focus more on marriages. “I started seeing a lot of couples, not knowing the answers to tell them. But I could sit and cry with them. Hear their pain, hear their stories. And at some point, circle back to the truths that the Lord is good. His steadfast love endures forever, His faithfulness to all generations.”
James has walked with couples through the pain and brokenness that marriage sometimes brings—communication breakdowns, infidelity, addiction, the loss of a child, financial stress, and the slow drift of growing apart. However, he’s seen the limits of counseling from both sides of the room, as both a therapist and a client.
“Marriage counseling is valuable, but it doesn’t solve the core issues of the human heart. We have some great tools in the toolbox, but it is only Christ. It is only by His grace. Christ holds all things together. Marriage is His design. It is His covenant. If someone tries to do marriage without Christ, I think you have a better chance going to Tunica or Vegas. The odds are not in your favor. But whenever you let Christ in your marriage and surrender your household to Him, it’s not a gamble. You are banking on His faithfulness and His promises.”
Not This One
You can’t let Christ into your marriage and keep His Bride out. For James and Mandi, that meant opening up to their church. On March 3, 2024, James did just that.
“One of the main breakthroughs for Mandi and me was whenever we opened up about our marriage and our struggles with our local church, Central Baptist. I went down the aisle and told Archie, my senior pastor, ‘This is not working. We’re about to have a train wreck. I don’t care if I lose my job. I want this marriage to work. I love God, and I love Mandi. I love our children, and I know God can do it. He is faithful.’”
Through ABCFM, James talks to pastors across the state. He sees the crucial role they play in helping marriages. “I tell pastors, ‘Don’t defer your authority to anybody else in the community. You’re called by God, and your role is to maintain God’s design for the family and for marriage.’ I don’t ever want pastors to feel insecure about helping couples.”
Recently, a pastor in Northcentral Arkansas called James. “We’ve got a couple hurting. What do we do?” he asked. James told the pastor to assemble a team. “It’s not just one person who’s going to carry that couple through their distress. Get an older couple in the church to mentor them. Make sure he’s plugged in with a men’s ministry. Make sure she’s plugged in with a women’s ministry. Make sure they have someone they can call whenever they need to send out an SOS.”
James also wanted the pastor to understand his authority. “Pastor, you’re the shepherd. You’re as essential to that team as a marriage counselor or anybody else. The enemy has been doing things for years to destroy that marriage. Bring the full weight of the spiritual authority of the local church to bear and fight for that couple and say, ‘Not this one.’”
Talking of spiritual authority and fighting the enemy as a church sounds weighty. Some might feel intimidated. Others might think, “I don’t want to interfere” or “What if it gets messy?” “The Church’s job is to intercede and pray for healing,” James says. “If someone gets cancer, my phone blows up. If somebody’s little boy gets hurt, my phone blows up. ‘He’s in the ambulance. He’s on the way to the hospital. Let’s pray.’ But when it’s a marriage in trouble, we don’t want to get involved. It’s messy. We don’t want to gossip. But, wait a minute, the enemy’s bringing hell to destroy that marriage. What are we going to do when the covenant of marriage is under direct assault?”
Marriage Tune-Ups
Since 2024, the Barhams and a team of couples have been leading Marriage Tune-Up workshops, which help couples connect through a Friday banquet and Saturday breakout sessions. “We’re just trying to keep the conversation going. We incorporate prayer, worship, the Bible—all those elements that are key to our spiritual health.”
The Barhams have a Marriage Tune-Up coming up in West Memphis. “There’ll be 50 couples there. 50 couples who would surrender their marriages to Christ. They could make an impact in West Memphis, and that would be felt.”
At these events, facilitators remind couples that challenges are part of every marriage story. “It’s okay if you’re facing some headwinds and turbulence. God loves you, and there are so many people in our churches who will help. When a couple goes through pain, there’s grief, and there’s mourning. We don’t rush to solutions. Mourn with those who mourn, and they will trust you to speak truth and love and grace to them.”
Marriage Tune-Ups are helping churches reach couples. But James knows it will take more than individual churches working alone. It will take more churches working together to make Arkansas a fortress for marriage.
“What y’all are doing with CityChurch Network is creating a culture in Arkansas churches where it’s okay for people to say, ‘We need help. Our church needs help.’ You’re connecting the dots with churches to say, ‘We are the Body of Christ. We’re in this together.’”
Get Ready to Grow
One way churches are coming together to support marriage is through the Arkansas Marriage Challenge, happening February 7-14. Participating churches are promoting marriage through community date nights, marriage workshops, and by offering marriage check-ups. For a church that’s considering joining the challenge, James says, “Get ready to grow. You’ll have so many young couples who see you as the church in their community that is a champion for marriage and is a safe place for them.”
While most churches would welcome more couples into their congregations, very few have a marriage ministry or a plan to start one. The Marriage Challenge connects churches with resources such as the Arkansas Marriage Initiative, which helps churches across the state build comprehensive marriage ministries.
Starting a marriage ministry isn’t as difficult as it might seem. And the burden doesn’t have to rest entirely on the pastor’s shoulders. Whenever James talks to pastors, he keeps it simple. “One of the things I ask pastors is, ‘Who are your two or three couples that you trust the most? You trust their marriage. You trust their prayer life. Name them.’ If they name them, I’ll say, ‘Would you let them be your marriage ministry team?’”
God’s Spirit Poured Out
What if building strong marriages became a core strategy for churches across Arkansas?
“I wish that could become the DNA of each of our churches,” James says. “I think it would bring enthusiasm and focus, so that we’re not distracted or pulled in so many different directions. If we saw God’s Spirit poured out in such a way that it begins to heal, awaken, and revive marriages on a widespread scale, that would bring healing to everything we’re facing in society.”
We’re grateful for the exceptional work of churches and organizations throughout Arkansas that are working together to build strong marriages. They are helping the whole Church grow.
Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him, the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
Ephesians 4:15-16
To sign up for the Arkansas Marriage Challenge or find an event in your area, go to arkansasmarriage.com.
To request a Marriage Tune-Up at your church, go here.
